dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.