i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
come find me please
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
29 Unspoken Rules Of “Bro Code”
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
23 “Girl Codes” Guys Probably Don’t Know About
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Can you rollerblade?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here