I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I checked into jail on foursquare
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms