First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
