id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Randomize
