No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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