I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
