is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
