She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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