my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
