Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
