Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
As shirtless as possible
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
