There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
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