And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
