her vagina looked like bernie madoff
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
