I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."�
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
