I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
