Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
This is classic penis vs brain.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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