You just made me feel so damn special
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
