onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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