We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
