How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
