I love black thongs
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
