I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
