:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Randomize
