it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
