He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
