She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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