I'm going to jail i love you
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize
