Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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