Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
