My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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