Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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