My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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