if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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