My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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