I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
