Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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