Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
