She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
