Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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