don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
