I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
They have beer where we have blood.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
