I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
