sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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