You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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