I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
