apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
My ATM looks so different sober.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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