i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry