Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.