k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
