I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
