She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
