So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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