3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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