fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
We have so much sex to catch up on
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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