I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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