I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
