Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
